When I was charged with writing this op-ed I was excited. Now on the cusp of publication I’m worried. I’m not having writer’s block, I’m having a block against my convictions. I’m holding back my true feelings. Why? Fear. Why really? It’s still fear, but more nuanced. 

 

Right now we are a fear based society, and for good reason. I don't want to be sent to El Salvadorean supermax for my opinion. I don’t want my civil liberties to be infringed upon for writing this piece. Will I have that problem after this is published? Probably not. I’m a citizen, caucasian, cis, a combat veteran. Like Donny, C’s get degrees. Yet, if I take away a couple of those C’s, I'm now one of those “bad guys” in a foreign jail, sans due process. No, I don’t want to be sent to our bastardized version of the gulag.  

 

Truthfully, It’s just a bit outside my wheelhouse, I have never written an opinion piece before, at least not seriously. I have never wanted to. Which is and isn't surprising, as I have an annoying tendency to give anyone an unfettered, scathing rebuke of their poor thoughts. Which for the life of me, somehow, escaped their filter. 

 

It’s why I gravitate toward fiction. I can hide in the characters and sway with an artistic nuance. I can show you bits of every feeling, every emotion, every thought that has coursed through my being. My mistakes. My triumphs. A jack of all trades and a master of none. It's not me, it's fiction. It comes with a nice and tight disclaimer. This is a work of fiction. All names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales, is entirely coincidental. 

 

This is not that, no matter how much I wish it were so. 

 

Right now, I still have some privilege left and a voice, while many of you do not. In the coming years, as my daughter learns about this period of history, and the freedoms she lost, I can tell her that I stood for her and that I stood for humanity. I can point directly to this register of concern. 

 

First they came for the socialists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a socialist.

Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

—Martin Niemöller

 

The shadow no longer looms, but has been cast into each and every American neighborhood, and it penetrates deep into the soul of our republic. No bubble is thick enough anymore. No community is exempt, no matter how manicured the lawn, or expensive your home. At the end of this, we do not want to be the modern day “good german”. As we surpass one hundred days of this administration, threats of constitutional breach continue, and no delusion will save us from the masked men and women just doing their jobs. We will find no respite from the steady dismantling of our constitution, our free speech, our due process. Just as we’ve had no respite from the lies and the gaslighting. The agenda was posted and then implemented. If it has yet to be done, it will. No one will save us but ourselves. We are not actively wading towards a constitutional crisis, we are already deep in the throes of one. 

 

If you think like me, then these grim tidings are nothing new. And if you don't, you might have already faded, but please bear with me for a few sentences longer. I promise not to lecture, but I plead for your attention. I refuse to let the darkness obfuscate the only American exceptionalism I subscribe to. One I believe is still worth fighting for and one worth dying for. That tangible something which made us great in the first place. You. 

 

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.”

-Isaac Asimov 

​

Why should you listen to me? I am thirty four years young, and lately I have been failing more than I have succeeded. I’ve farted around this community college campus three times over the course of fifteen incongruent years. I hold no college degree. I am not an intellectual nor a scholar. I am unemployed. I am disabled. 

 

I am less qualified than the many who have already spoken out, including Rumeysa Ozturk, who was wrongfully incarcerated for forty five days for her opinion. But I have seen war and I have seen death. I was a small cog in the grand scheme of our military industrial complex. And an even smaller cog as a firefighter and paramedic during the pandemic. 

I suffer from experience. In those fifteen years, I have seen the cruelties of man in their quest to dominate with their opinion. Those opinions directly led to my most pervasive affliction, post traumatic stress disorder. Which I acquired, just doing my job as a Combat medic, outside the sleepy town of Gelan in Southern Ghazni, Afghanistan in 2012. One of the hallmarks of the disorder is avoidance, and coupled with the other symptoms, my transcript might appear as somewhat of an aberration in contrast to how I conduct myself in person, and how I speak. That is, if you can get me to do it. 

 

I was disheartened to come to realize that one in four Americans think that due to my affliction, that I am violent or a dangerous person. And nearly one in four of Americans think it’s not treatable. There are many medical misconceptions floating around not based in reality, despite peer reviewed and scientific backed best practices. From the assault on vaccines to women’s healthcare, to misconceptions about mental health and resilience. 

We have made great strides with the VA, but it’s still not enough, and dismantling of the progress made will directly lead to more soldier suicides. We have yet to tamponade the bleed, and our intervention is about to fail. You’re losing us at a rate you can't afford. How do you inspire the next generation of warfighters without our endorsement? The ones who just fought and bled and died for over twenty years of arbitrary war. How do you inspire anyone towards civil service when you abuse and neglect your most passionate and staunch defenders. 

 

I had to be treated by a non-profit, as my calls and referrals to mental health at an underfunded and understaffed Veterans Affairs went unanswered. I fear that will happen again, and the strain will continue to fall on the families and loved ones. There is nothing natural about fighting war. To live in a perpetually traumatic state. That goes both for soldiers and civilians alike.

 

The assertion that cutting seventy thousand jobs at Veterans Affairs to streamline efficiency is so insanely laughable I can't fully comprehend it. What possibly does the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, Doug Collins, a reservist Chaplain know of the perils of war. I can’t even possibly fathom what he stands to gain by selling out the lives of soldiers of consequence. Truly a man of god.

 

Trauma constantly reminds myself of my faults and shortcomings as a human, that of which are as immense as the gravity which keeps me grounded. I’ve been curt, I’ve been rash, I've been a bad friend. I’ve perpetuated stereotypes. I have said and done wrong things. I have been a bully and I have been bullied. I have made mistakes in my past.

 

I am many things, just as you are. We are not the sum of our traumas, our mistakes or political ideations, our brokerage accounts, or our parentage. We are human. I can wholeheartedly assure you that our blood and matter are all the same. It's not too late to change. Though I can no longer serve my country as I once saw fit, I will continue to write and advocate for the immense progress we have made. Progress that is not invalidated by declaring inane national emergencies and executive orders. 

 

I would be remiss If I didn't mention that organization that did save my life. The Home Base program, a partnership between the Boston Red Sox and Mass General Hospital, nestled just behind the USS Constitution in the Charlestown Naval Yard. They were there for me when I know longer saw any light.

 

“And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help.”

-Good Will Hunting

 

The attack on universities, teachers, and their diverse student body for having an opinion counter to the current government is a direct attack on free speech. It was protected speech during Vietnam and the War in Iraq and it continues to be so. To have the opinion that maiming and murdering children is a war crime is not a controversial opinion. It is protected by the first amendment. It does not mean you support Hamas. It means you live in reality, and that the cruelties of human existence have yet to break your spirit. You realize that the rules of war exist, that the Geneva Convention exists, and that they were created for a reason, one that you cannot outright ignore for convenience: to safeguard humanity as we contradict our most important commandment. 

 

As someone who has been directly attacked by insurgents masquerading as civilians, the kind who hide behind women and children, and behind mosques and cemeteries and holy sites–I get it, but I'm sorry. You'll have to do your job, or schill a different lie. Do more reconnaissance and complete the objective with more danger. Do more research and question your convictions and truly deeply wonder how you got there in the first place. It’s counterinsurgency 101. It’s a sweeping failure that cost us time, money, and directly led to American deaths in Afghanistan. It cost us the objective, and one of the many reasons that a religious oligarchy still retains power through systematic oppression. We have twenty years of precedence set in Afghanistan, and over seventy years in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. It does not work. Math, science, and history are all on your side. It’s just as reprehensible for civilians to be killed in Palestine as it is for them to be killed in Ukraine, just as it was in Vietnam, and every named and unnamed conflict. The rules are set in stone. And for the naysayers saying the deaths of children and civilians is just a cruel reality of war, I would gladly sit with any one of you and describe the images that plague my mind. 

 

In the same right, the cruelties perpetuated by the Israeli Government do not excuse anti-semitic rhetoric and cruelty to a historically repressed people. Religious freedom is a fundamental right, and when you persecute one, you persecute all. Supporting the Jewish right to live is not a controversial opinion, and my support for human lives does not make me complicit in another government's atrocities. The separation between religion and state is a fundamental imperative.

 

“I didn't ask for this role, but I'll play it. Now go do your best. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid. Goethe said that. It's not too late for you to become a person of substance.” 

-Almost Famous

 

Right now, more than ever, wading through the endless propaganda is essential for the long term safety of this nation. Education and critical thinking are essential. Which means, fair compensation for our educators, so as to be healthy and happy to inspire cognitive growth is essential. Not stretched into the singularity. Look to the countries that prioritize education and look to their success.  In the state which created public education, we know we can do so much better. 

 

The world is too fluid for solidified opinion. Question everything, but be open to anything. I can't possibly know everything. I have been wrong, and I continue to be wrong. Stop defining what constitutes an American family based on a spurious fear of diversity and difference. 

 The truth is, I absolutely abhor not knowing. I am paralyzed by my knowledge of Dunning Kruger. Though I can bullshit with the best, I feel seen and exposed. Everyone should feel this way. You should feel inadequate by not knowing, it should self immolate within your subconscious and scream for growth. Errare humanum est. To err is to be human. 

 

We have been divided into political factions. We’ve been deliberately labeled against our will into a caste hierarchy, where we are all laborers and peasants, fighting for an iota of what our parents had. Middle managing our cubicle phone, in our small cubicle apartments, for an unfulfilling cubicle life. It's a war of attrition against our collective psyche. The news cycle runs too hot and too fast. Constant lies have sullied known truths. We are in a state of perpetual burnout, slaves to capitalism and comfort. The promise of individual wealth and status should not have replaced life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all. It’s exactly what the 

 

We must remember what made us strong, why we could endure such sacrifice for a better future. Why we fought war. Why our forefathers were willing to die to uphold our American ideology. Somehow, some are still celebrating the unscrupulous conman, the bullies and the liars and the cheats. The opposite of what this nation was founded upon. The ones who could care less if you lived or died. It’s something I just fail to understand, because at the end of the day, it's not the politicians or the billionaires strapping up for war. They might show off at gun ranges and for their cosplaying constituents, but they’ll never have to watch a child gasp their last breath. They’ll never have to stretch their souls and question their existence. That has and always will be bestowed upon We the people.

 

As we tread deeper into this bastardized version of freedom, I plead with you to remember that our collective voice is more powerful than tyranny. It always has been. 

 

“History is filled with the sound of silken slippers going downstairs and wooden shoes coming up.”

-Voltaire